Support: How to Ask for What You Need
You’ve been in that situation before.
You’re having a rough day, a really rough day, actually…
You head home to vent to your partner, get it all off your chest and suddenly, they say the one thing that could make you feel worse about your situation. You’re left feeling defeated, deflated, and depleted.
What was it that made what they’ve said get you so agitated? Is it the words they used? Maybe their tone? You don’t know. All you know is that now you’re upset and your good day has been ruined by the one person who’s supposed to support you the most.
Even though our partner’s intentions are good, we may not see them that way. Why is this? And what makes it so difficult for us to hear the message our partner is trying to send?
There’s a phenomenon called Perceived Partner Support that can impact how you receive your partner’s thoughts. In other words, what your partner is saying and what you are hearing can be very different.
Perceived partner support can have a positive or negative overall impact on a relationship. For instance, if your partner tells you something positive as a way of supporting you and you hear something positive, then your relationship can be stronger and healthier. If your partner tells you something positive and all you hear is them trying to undermine you, degrade you, or take a pass at you, then your relationship may be more turbulent.
So…what’s causing you to hear your partner’s words and think they are trying to hurt you instead of viewing them as something that could be supportive?
After we feel like we haven’t received what we need, it is easy to see our partner in bad light, like they are intentionally trying to make our day worse, as opposed to someone who wants to support us. Especially if we have been with our partner for a long time, it is easy to become angry with our partners because we know our partners can push our buttons with ease. When we are vulnerable, it is easy to assume that people are trying to take advantage of us.
Now that we know the problem and what’s causing it, what’s the solution?
On that drive home from your really tough day, you were probably formulating how you were going to tell your partner about your day, with all of the little details that were grinding your gears. You were also probably predicting how your partner would respond to you, whether they were going to empathize with you and say “Wow. That was a hard day,” or “Let me tell you what you should have done.”
Odds are, you have a pretty good idea of how your partner is going to respond because you know your partner very well. Because of this, you are already formulating in your head how you’ll react to them when they give you the usual response.
Instead, let’s take a step back.
Yes, you can formulate your story in your head, with all of the little details that were grinding your gears all day. When you start predicting how your partner will respond…
STOP!!
Instead of thinking how your partner will respond, ask yourself what you need from your partner to feel loved and cared for. Maybe you need a hug. Maybe you need an answer to your problem. Maybe you need to just get a few things off your chest, have your partner say, “yeah, that sucks,” and move on. It is unfair to your partner to try to predict how they will respond to you. It warps whatever they actually tell you into something completely different.
Take responsibility for what you need. Walk into that house feeling as though you can ask your partner for what you need. It is okay to tell your partner that you’ve had a rough day. It is okay to tell your partner that you need to get it off your chest, have a hug, then move on with the rest of the evening.
When you ask for what you need, your partner will have a better idea of how to care for you and you will be able to hear your partner as supportive instead of someone who is just trying to make your day worse.
Asking for what you need may feel like it has a small impact. However, it can have a huge outcome on the relationship. After a while, you’ll be able to hear what your partner is saying and take it at face value, empowering them and you to feel supported in your time of need.
So, the next time you have a bad day, think about how you can ask for what you need from your partner and start hearing what they’re really saying.
References:
Johnson, S. M. (2004). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Taylor & Francis Books Inc.
Peloquin, K., Bigras, N., Brassard, A., & Godbout, N. (2014). Perceiving that one’s partner is supportive moderates the associations among attachment insecurity and psychosexual variables. The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 23(3), 178-188.
